Friday, 6 June 2014
Okay, warning. If you are a little wee child, you need to get off my blog. Seriously, these stories are not Oh-hey-kids-crowd-around-me-in-a-library-while-I-read-to-you kind of stories. They are more like I-totally-just-ruined-everyone's-childhood kind of stories. So there you have it.
What better way to ruin somebody's childhood than telling a story that sort of ruined my respect for hamsters, eh?
Twas the night before Christmas, and I was awake. Yeah I ruined the parody, but it's okay. My life is a parody. Of what, I haven't figured out yet. I was about ten or something and I was excited to get gifts. My mother was nowhere to be found, and I wondered why. So, I walked into my mother's room. I heard a faint rumble coming from the closet, so without thinking (I was ten and stupid) I opened the door.
(WARNING LIFE SPOILER ALERT. SOUNDS LIKE I AM A PSYCHIC, I'M NOT)
I walked in and almost immediately I saw my mom putting together what looked like a hamster cage. It was awesome. It had different levels, and colours of plastic. (I repeat, I was ten. Plastic was appealing to me back then. I have an action figure in front of me. Okay, it still is)
She shrieked and went all mother on me, so I left, and went to bed.
The next morning, I woke up bright early to take a look at my gifts. Under the tree, was the coloured plastic cage, only this time it had tiny little baby hamsters climbing all over the place. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen besides my mirror. (Joking, joking) I loved the baby hamsters, they ran around and were awesome. They were doing their job at being hamsters pretty well, until the very next day.
My hamsters were nowhere to be seen. I walked to the back of the house wondering where they were, and right by the furnace room, the cleaning lady blocked my entrance.
"You can't come here." She said.
"Whadda ya mean? I always cmere." I replied like a sassy ten-year old.
I sort of moved out of her way and in a tiny cardboard box, lay the baby hamsters. Only, their heads and different parts of their not so innocent selves lay in their mouths. They ate each other. I was horrified, and since that day, I have been scarred for life, because not only did I find out my mother was Santa, but that baby hamsters were cannibals. Anyways lesson of the story:
Hamsters are evil. Except Shrek, my first hamster. You're not evil. You're cool.
P.S sorry for the awful story. You can't say I didn't warn you..