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Friday, 23 May 2014

12 Really Awkward Family Photos

We've all had them. The only thing is, you can rank them like this:
1. Accidental awkward photo
2. Awkward photo
3.Weird Photo
4. Okay, what the heck?
5. You are definitely not normal.
6. I called a taxi to the asylum.
#1

"My head is more important than the rest of your bodies"
#2

"She's all I think about."
#3

So, let me get this straight. Vain husband, Murderous son, and the daughter doesn't even care that her mom is being choked silently by her brother. Ideal family.
#4
"Hello? Hello? Sorry, we're too busy taking an awkward photo to talk to you right now!"
#5

The mom's thinking:
"Where did I go wrong?"
#6

Seems like they're huge fans of Anne Of Green Gables.
#7
Awkward family photos
"Five second rule!"
#8
Awkward family photos
"Hey do you know where the camera is?"
"No idea!"
#9
Awkward family photos
Looks like the lobsters are cooking some humans for dinner tonight.
#10
Awkward family photos
"Jumpsuit no for babi"
#11

The hair that the father doesn't have, went to his family.
#12

So majestic.

Have a great day guys! Bye!

Thursday, 22 May 2014

SHOUTOUTS #1 (Next list next week)

First, I'd like to thank the academy, for nominating me. And I would like to--
Just kidding...yeah..*Cricket in the background*...So, heh, nice weather we're having, huh?
Anyways.......
I am doing shoutouts today! And I mean, I shout at people all the time, so this shouldn't be too hard.
#1 First thing first
I would like to thank that lady today, who saw my friend trip and fall, and ran away. Yeah you. I saw you. I have a tape of it, lady. You're a jerk, lady. So, yeah, I want to give you a shoutout on my blog. Actually, I want to shout at you, but, it's cool. I can do that too.
#2
Shoutout to my mummy, who despite having given birth to a really odd kid, actually enjoys reading this. Hi mom!
#3 Erica, Maggie, Sofia, Valeria, Drew and Zara.
#1 Erica, you were my first reader, and you actually enjoyed it..pfft whaaaa? So, I would like to give you my sincerest gratitude, and, a virtual gold star!!!
Look it's shiny!!!


#2 Maggie, you were my second reader! It's aight, I got somethin' else for ya!

Meet Jonathan. Jonathan is a huck. He is a cross beetween a duck and horse. Jonathan says he likes you. Say hi Jonathan! Sorry, he's in a bad mood.
#3 Sofia, I am ever so grateful that you find my blog more entertaining than it actually is. I have a present for you too. Sorry, Jonathan is taken. But we still have.........

It's the ba-bush-kas! Okay, that was a bad pun. My dream is to one day be a part of their magnificent group, I just admire, their brooms and stuff.
#4 Valeria, you also seem quite amused with this blog, so I give you this:

"Spongebob bloopers: The lost episode"
#5 Dreeeeew. You are just such a wonderful person. Just y'know, awesome. And, you are also one of my first readers, so I gotta give you,

"The Day The Yolk Stood Still" A horror story.
#6 Last but not least, Zara! For your equal book-nerdiness, here ya go!

(I'd like to apologize for doing this...like...A....Lot....)
This concludes today's shoutouts! Next week I will be doing the rest of my list, sorry...I had to split it into parts!
Bye now!

Wednesday, 21 May 2014

The art of recreating farts

Ah, the art of farting. The art of air escaping two flaps of skin on your glutious maximus. (Apparently, my computer doesn't know the latin term of butt. Or, the word latin. Seriously it actually highlighted latin in that red squiggly. YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME)
Anyways, do you have a moment to talk about our rears? I am here to talk to you about the art of recreating farts.
Do you ever have those moments when you're in class, and you're doing a test or some kind of individual work, and then suddenly, you move your foot or book, and
"PRRRRRRFFT"
A huge fart-like- sound fills the ENTIRE classroom. Suddenly, everyone turns and looks at you. This here is the art. The art of blaming inanimate objects for your mistaken-ed flatulence. Now, not everyone can master this art, and when you attempt to, you sometimes make it even worse. This happened to me the other day while we were working in math class. I turned over the page of my work, and the page scratched over my desk making the sound butt cheeks make. I then proceeded to recreate the sound, scratching the infernal page OVER and OVER again..
Alas, I leave you with the end of this story. I went to my next subject, and what happens? I turn to sit down in French class, accidentally rubbing the coil of my book on the desk, making a:
"PRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRFT"  sound.  I then started to rub the coil on the desk over and over and over again, and I was successful recreating the sound.
The only problem? People thought I was farting over and over.
So my friends, if you plan to take part in the art of recreating farts, please do so at your own risk!!

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Conversation between me and a lady at a bookstore.

Me: *Picks up book and heads to counter
Lady working at bookstore: Oh, hi!
Me: Uh, hi there.
Lady working at bookstore: *Laughs out loud* HAHAHAHA I read this book, HAHAHHA I was laughing so much!
Me, Unenthusiastic-ally: Oh, hehe..
Lady working at bookstore: Well, you see, I started to read this book while eating my lunch in the bathroom!
Me: Here, you can keep the change. Have a nice day.
Do you even know how much is wrong with this? Well, in case you didn't, I highlighted it in red. She read the book, while eating in the bathroom..
WHILE
EATING 
IN THE BATHROOM
THIS IS WHY I SUCK AT BEING HUMAN.

Being a nerd is hard work

You probably think being a nerd is the easiest thing in the world. I am here, to inform you that, no wearing fake glasses and putting tape between them does not make you a nerd. In fact, it's pretty hard. Here is a list to show you "First Nerd problems"
(Heh, get it? First Nerd problems, as in First world problems? Yeah, no.)

Duh! Only, I shouldn't talk. In my case, I have six affairs a week. I just can't help it, there's so many fictional characters to fall in love with. Yeah, I need a counsellor.
" Admitting you have a problem is the first step to the solution, it gets easier after that" She'll tell me. (Or he, but usually counsellors are women, I'll say) Then I'll sob into a napkin and mutter something like:
"I just can't stop it, I need your help. I need you..to take all my books from me." Dramatically pausing.

Okay, I feel like John Green is hiding behind that wall snickering to his ingenious self.
"Haha! I will make everyone love Augustus Waters and then I shall--"
[SPOILER ALERT]
"--Kill him!"
Okay? Okay.

For the writer nerds, or just nerds in general, the stunning realization that you are mentally psychotic for the rest of your life.

HOW? WHY HOW WHAT WHY THIS IS JUST NOT WORKING.  HOW DO YOU READ? I NEED HELP ON HOW TO READ WITHOUT MY SPINE TRYING TO MURDER MY BRAIN AS I SLEEP.

suggested by sweden-is-for-snorcacks
Heh. Pretty self-explanatory, frankly.
Anyways, if you want to apply for a job in being a nerd, please contact a book, a video game or advanced science, history or physics. Thank you for your time. (Oh, and don't call us, we'll call you)
Just kidding, bye now. DFTBA and LLAP

Sunday, 4 May 2014

Book Review: Nineteen-Eighty-Four

  I will cry like a baby. I will. Give me a book, and I will cry like a baby. I always end up crying when I finish an incredibly good read.
(Don't you just love the fact that you always have no idea what I am talking about when I begin a blog post? I'm a confusing person. )
So let's see. List of books I have cried over.
Anne Of Green Gables
Anne Of Avonlea
The Art Of Racing In The Rain
Sarah's Key
Nineteen-Eighty-Four ( I was trying not to cry in English Class, it's a professional sport. I call it
"Hold-Tears-In-After-Reading-A-Good-book-no-wait-I-Want-To-Cry-Okay-Cry-Anyways" Okay, end of footnote. Wait, I am already off topic. This is not a list of books I have cried over. My dear Lord, I need to end this footnote. Bye! See you at the other side of the parentheses! Safe travels!)

Hi, I'm back. You really didn't need to read that part. Let's go back to being professional. RIGHT!
Nineteen-Eighty-Four 
By: George Orwell
Let's provide a synopsis for you who aren't very literate, shall we?
A man by the name of Winston Smith lives in a society built on totalitarianism, Socialism, Autocracy, and many many other -isms. Basically, the whole world is in the hands of one party/person/dictator, etc. This place is called Oceania. It's fictional, relax. (OR IS IT? DUN DUN DUUUUN) One must never think as an individual in Oceania, you have to follow the orders of the leader, Big Brother. They have terms such as
"Thought Crime"
"Double Think"
And many other terms used today. To sum it up, Winston has trouble thinking like the rest of the world, and thinks as an individual. Orwell did provide one hell of a plot twist, I'll say.

I loved this book. I couldn't sleep for two months, but I loved it. It was a tad bit gruesome, actually it was really gruesome, but it was an enlightening read. I think any politician should read this. But please, if you're a politician, don't read it as an instructions manual for the government. No, I did not mean it this way. I still want my mind please. I say they should read it to understand how to balance a government. Sometimes the government tips the scale on things, causing things to fall off the scale. Let's take an example.
Surveillance.
That is one thing governments never know how to balance. Because, quite Frankly, not everyone is a terrorist. But, some people are. Like my dog, who is currently strapping TNT on me. Just kidding, she's just a harmless midget. 
So in focus, this book was great. A great example of what could happen with extremism on any point. A good lesson learned from Mr. Orwell. Although, I think it may be misconstrued as an instructions manual. 
I give it a 10/10. So, if you like scary, harsh reality, political books, go read it. 
Have a wonderful evening, and remember, my dog isn't actually evil. She's wonderful. I swear!

Friday, 2 May 2014

MURDEROUS CHAIRLIFTS.

Ah, hello there. Didn't expect to see me so soon? Well, here I am. You can't stop reading now, so go ahead, read it all. (Man, I sound like one of those stupid Facebook chain messages. "Breathe six times and clap your heels together and you'll find one million and five dollars in two years!") Yeah. Teenagers. A breed I will never understand. Wait, I forgot..you're such a hypocrite, Monique. 
Okay...A smidge of topic.
How about a story? I think a story is a great idea. Only, you should be reading a good story, not this trash. Emphasis on the good. 

Heh. It all started one day on an innocent lump of snow. I mean, a lump of snow with some lumber, and metal and ice. I mean a ski hill. The funny thing about ski hills is that people on ski hills are always thinking the same thing. That's why people bond on ski hills. Because they're all thinking exactly one thing.
"OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE! GET ME OFF OF HERE!"
Except those people who spend tons of money on spandex and messed up ski poles. I'm pointing at you, family of six loud children taking up a full table for your *Spandex*. During the ski season my family would take me skiing almost every weekend, and this time we were on our way to meet a couple of my dad's friends. (Psst, I'm hiding everyone's identity, so they'll avoid total embarrassment.) I, personally am just a blue and green skier. Less chance of death by tree. Only my dad's friends were the *Spandex* type family. The only difference was, they didn't have funky poles or wear spandex. About a couple hours into the day, they began to get a little bored with the runs we were doing and decided "Hey, let's take the Gold chair even though you guys are blue/green skiers!"

Reluctantly, I took the chairlift. The first thing I noticed was that the were comfy. I mean, really comfy. So comfy, that  I almost fell off due to the slippery comfy-ness. And I thought, hmm, are they doing this because they know you'll probably die on the top of the mountain, so they just pamper you with comfy chairlifts? Hmm..seems legitimate. After a bit of hyperventilating and angry muttering I seemed okay. 
Until we reached the spawn of satanic origin. THE MOGULS.

So, long story short, I ended up taking the moguls by following my dad's friends, climbed up a mountain twice, and spent half-an-hour trying to get my skis on whilst on a mogul. After some frantic screaming and craziness I got over it.
(NO NOT REALLY.)
Glad I could share this story with you. Enjoy this photo of a girl who isn't me, but might as well be.

Thursday, 1 May 2014

Top fictional characters!

Woop woop! I finally told myself I'd do this list, as hard as it may seem. Grab a pillow, because you're about to fall asleep.
10. V- V For Vendetta
Okay, anyone who has read or watched V for Vendetta can agree he is the best terrorist there is. (Never thought I'd put that into a sentence, honestly.) He's just so poetic, yet so disastrous. Weird. 
9. Winston Smith- Nineteen-Eighty-Four
He's not really like-able. I must admit. But, he's the protagonist of Nineteen-Eighty-Four. So, that's all I have to say to you, Winston.

8. William Darcy- Pride and Prejudice
We've all swooned over him. C'mon, we all know that. He's so wonderful! 
(He's so Spock-like! Gahhhh)
8. Tintin
Pfft, I totally wasn't, like, in love with him or something when I was little. He's kind, smart and has silly looking hair. You're on the list.

7. Spock
I would really love to rank him higher, but I just love these next ones to bits. Besides, Vulcans can't feel emotions, right? Live Long And Prosperous
6. Liesel Meminger
She loves books. That's all you need to be in this list.
5. Anne Of Green Gables
I idolized her as a little girl, and still kinda do. She's just so..idol-like!
4.  Gilbert Blythe
I just love Gilbert so much, it's just crazy. Him and Anne are the perfect couple, just shufirsheiufhnsdf.
3. Rudy Steiner- The Book Thief
No! Why did the book have to end like that?! Excuse me while I cry. No. I still cannot deal with it. So here he is, that lovable little Jesse Owens loving t1hing.
\
2. NOBODY
I feel like someone is clearly missing on my list, so number two is for you to decide. Who's your favourite fictional character?
1. Drumroll please.....Atticus Finch- To Kill A Mockingbird
No, I did not put Batman. Atticus Finch rules! Now this book touched the deepest darkest pit of my soul. :')
THE END